August 28, 2006

Bachelor #47 This proves that men can't multi-task

I had to read this three times before it sank in.
It still hasn't. Listen to this.

"I'm sure there are alot of honest women out there but as we get older it seems like we don't have the time."

He'd rather meet a dishonest woman?
What scares me is he's thirty-FIVE! Just a baby and already fresh out of patience with relationship work.

Yes, guys. It does take a tad more effort to sustain a relationship with the uncommon honest woman these days.
I'm still scratching my head over this one but I do think people, in general, say what they mean.
This is as unconscious as it gets.

Bachelor #46 Never been in a bad relationship, just ones that broke apart.

August 27, 2006

Bachelor #45 If you're looking for a mama's boy don't waste your time.

I know that was first on my list.
How about you?

Bachelor #44 Love That Ocean Spray

Brace yourself for this one.

A self-proclaimed beachbum plans the most romantic date of my life. He writes, "My girl should enjoy going to the beach as often as possible to see the sun rise and set accross the horizon (what's more refreshing than the sound of waves and the wind tinkling your face)... Any takers?"

August 26, 2006

Bachelor #42 "Looking to take it real slow and see where it goes from there."

I'm not a palm reader but I've got a hunch.....

Bachelor #41 "I think most people are basically good, if only deep down."

I call this headline The Diary of Anne's Frank.

Bachelor #40 Your mama never told you this fairy tale

Tender tense tales, contextual wrecks, homogeneous mysteries, spliced gender gaps of epic proportions, unexplained -and unparalleled- identity transformations that would make a psychiatrist weep.......what does it matter? We've got it all here, folks.

This MALE snoozing beauty, in search of a lass between the ages of 25 and 35, is in hot pursuit of his "princes." And that's not all.
He apparently knows exactly where they lie sleeping.

"Looking for my princes. Enjoying every adventure together My ideal mate would be someone who we both find sactuary in."

Allow me.
Princess Charming......Meet Prince Alarming.
I think she's in for a surprise.
Shh......let's just let her sleep.

Bachelor #39 I'm OK. You're OK

I thought we needed a break from the usual slew of pet kissers and romantically remorseful bungee jumpers. So here's a dose of ego large enough to rival even the loneliest of serial faders......I mean daters. From Texas, fresh back from the opera and looking all dappery.

"I hope to have a chance to entice you with my wit and humor and then seduce you with my charm and interesting conversation."

I don't think he has a problem with self-esteem.

August 25, 2006

Bachelor #38 G-Rated Justice

Name: Larry Wayne
Location: somewhere in Dixie
Occupation: Movie Critic

With a riding crop in one hand and a box of tissues in the other, he writes, "I respect women and think men who beat them should be publicly flogged. I even watch chick flicks every now and then."
Popcorn anyone?

Bachelor #37 "I'll get you my pretty, and your little......."

Do you really want to know the rest of that sentence?
I didn't think so.

Bachelor #36 "I'm a one women man."

Is it just ME??!

August 24, 2006

Bachelor #35 "Looking for a Horse Woman"

This caption just jumps out at ya ----doesn't it? 

His woman-wish-list: Green-eyed physical beauty and must be mentally stable. (Keep reading. You'll soon realize why that's important.) "I'm a country boy," he writes "with horses and other animals. I am a little tired of communicating with languages other than we, human uses."
(See, I told you.) There's more...

"Must be feminie yet she can work in the heat and humidity with the animals on the farm. Or, she can get out in the cold morning, breaking ice on the water tub." (Wasn't that a Goldie Hawn movie?) He insists that she have red hair with green eyes but will date only Hispanic women.

Just as I try to rewind and erase the Green Acres tapes running through my brown-eyed head (couldn't he tell??) I realize that he has checked the eye color preference box as ANY and adds, "I'm a Christian but will only date a Buddhist."

August 23, 2006

We Thank You For The Award

Thank you, Bobby Griffin, for featuring Dating Profile of the Day on your site. I am honored to be named Bestest Blog of the Day!
Thank you, readers, for your comments and support. I will do my best to publish a fresh daily spin and keep you laughing. I enjoy reading your comments, too. Stay tuned..............Mimi

Bachelor #34 "Hello. I live with my ex-wife and 3 teenage children."

I'm so there.

Bachelor #32 Frankly, my dear.......

I must say this headline got my attention.
"I see myself like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind," he begins.
His favorite restaurant is Scooters Ice Cream and a nice outing would involve Super Walmart.

Dapper, for sure.

Except for that seductively delicious one-line melter from the lips of Clark Gable (one of several), I can think of very few men who've impressed me more with their wooing words of wisdom than this gentleman. And very few men who've left me more baffled. I can't make head nor tails of this logic! I've ask Miss O'Hara to help me. You may find it difficult to tell Rhett from Romeo, Scarlett from Mimi.

Same battle of semantics in the antebellum South. She's muttering about "the kindness of strangers" ..... she HAS been to Walmart! - no...wait......that was Blanch DuBois.... and he's going on and on about "shrinkin' from marrying men she don't love" - now that's a catchy phrase - and needing to kiss her for her own good simply because he knows how......and....Doesn't that sound like first date conversation to you?
("Another dance and my reputation will be gone forever." Hush, Scarlett.
"I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands! Sometimes I fill my car up with gas and ride all night long with no where in particular to go."
("I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.")

And where, pray tell, would they go? Now I ask you, does she look like she's dressed for a night on the town? She's wearing a lopsided potato sack for heaven's sake.

Rolling his eyes, he continues....."I don't care for one sided relationships or waiting in long lines to eat. When in a relationship that is special I always ask myself this question about that person. Can I live with the heart when the beauty has faded?"(Dear Lord! Scarlett needs a makeover.)
With an insightful understanding of his lady love's lack of food and a definite flair for the dramatic, he writes,
"The past doesn't make the present any better."

"Some bridges need burning down."

Fiddle-dee-dee ..Burning is the only similarity to Gone With the Wind I see.
("Well I guess I've done murder. Well I won't think about this now. I'll think about it tomorrow.")
I do not have the courage, Rhettomeo, to do without a reputation. I simply cannot go on an ice cream date with you. "As God as my witness. As God as my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over I'll never be hungry again nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill as God as my witness I'll never be hungry again."Thank you, Scarlett. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I realize there is no rhyme or reason to this post; but that's the rhyme and reason. At least my regurgitated text is deliberately skewed. Romeo is starting to impress me. Quite frankly, it's hard to be this damn confusing.

I've gained a new respect for manspeak.

"You helpless? Heaven help the Yankees if they catch you." (STANLEY??!! Is that you??!) Look Romerhett, I don't need your help with the enemy.

"Take a good look my dear. It's a historical moment. You can tell your grandchildren how you watched the Old South disappear one night."
I'm going into the parlor with the men folk. All they ever talk about is
"War, war, war! This war talk's spoiling all the fun at every party this spring. I get so bored I could scream!"

Women are so much wiser than men.

Bachelor #31 Cafe Au Lait

"A sublime blend of refined and retarded. I do my best to be well-rounded."

Or not

Bachelor #30 A keen sense of......of....... be the judge.

He writes, "I would need a person that sees the flower on the side of the road and not just the road...and has the time to stop and smell."

Photo credit Mimi Lenox

Bachelor #29 Present Tense Baggage Alert!

Pay close attention to this not-so-subtle innuendo of an apparent impending divorce as this soon-to-be-bachelor describes his idea of a good relationship - while posting his photo on a dating site!!"I like being married and having one special person, it only hurts when she is mean and aggressive."

When asked to further elaborate on what he's learned from past relationships, he writes, "Do NOT put your wife in charge of your investments."

Got prenup?

Bachelor #28 "I can be shallow if I try."

And just when I thought it was safe to go back in the dating pool.

August 22, 2006

Bachelor #27 Prepositional Propositions

There is no explanation or comment available this side of Pluto to further enhance the beauty of this stand alone testament of the lengths this man will go to to entertain himself. No 5-star restaurant here, friends, just the sad tale of a misused 2-letter word in a 4-letter world. Visually disturbing images aside, I'd rate this as an all-time blooper. Read this carefully. And I quote.....

"I like to hang out on the Y and talk to friends."

Oh dear.

August 21, 2006

Bachelor #26 The Way We Were

A few wayward "weres" from this college grad in Jersey has me were-ied about the state of public education. His headline reads,
"Our past is who we was not whom we are."


August 20, 2006

Bachelor #25 "I want to glaze into your eyes."

Bachelor #24 Freud would be proud

Context is everything.
Almost every sentence in his essay is followed by LOL. Here's your sign.

Seen lovingly petting his Corvette, he writes, "I do like to play around so don't take me too seriously."
Not much chance of that, I'd say. Can you think of a worse place to include that sentence ANYWHERE than in a dating profile??! There should be red flags flying from the antennae of that red convertible.
This doesn't even qualify for a slip.

Buried in the middle of his one long run-on sentence essay, he goes on to say that he's already done lots of things in his life and nothing much impresses him anymore "except maybe you" (oh the pressure)........and "I'm just looking for a loving, caring lady who doesn't expect much out of life except someone to love her." (oh the Corvette payments) What was that I said about a flashing red, I mean sign?

He concludes by describing our first dream date: "We can go to dinner, a movie, and sporting event to start and then you can think of something I'm game."

Bachelor #23 Name That Sport

For all you sports fans out there, I have a romantic riddle for you. Fresh off the playing field, as it were, an athletically confused technician writes, "Life throws you curve balls but I always try to roll with the punches."

Am I missing something here? Was there a new sport invented that I don't know about?
 Can anything help solve this mystery?!!?

August 18, 2006

Bachelor #22 "Your search is over"

Finally, someone with confidence! I'm intrigued.
Age: 52
Location: Seattle

A self-proclaimed prince-of-a-guy, he proceeds to describe the qualifications it will take to become his woman. "Seeking a smart and witty lady who should be naughty and nice. She should be able to have a loving, caring, romantic feeling for her guy."
Feeling adventurous, I decide to click on the "ask me for my photo" link.

I really need to curb that curious streak of mine.

He is a shirtless, completely tattooed, very thin, skinhead.
Agnostic, but goes to church.
"I don't know what I'm looking for but I hope when I find it it has been looking for me as well. If I have rang your bell give me a shout."

Class dismissed

August 17, 2006

Bachelor # 21 John Dear

"Enjoy life to the fullest," writes John, from Iowa. Wearing overalls (if you don't know what overalls are, just think Green Acres reruns or American Gothic parodies - that should do it) ........anyway, Johnny is seen squatting down in a cornfield, or maybe they were bean rows, I don't know, holding a stalk of some kind in his left hand and wearing a yellow cap with heavy machinery on the bill. One sexy denim strap seductively trailing down his nowhere-near-white-collar shirt and brogans (if you don't know what brogans are just think Jane'll figure it out)
He claims to be rich and swears he holds a graduate degree. Botany? Stalkology?
Describes himself as "low key, laid-back, easy...."
Believe it or not, his handle was "Race Car Driver Looking for a Pitstop." On a TRACTOR??

Be still my heart.

Bachelor #20 Mr. Excitement

A 33 yr. old insurance salesman from North Dakota, writes, "I like hunting, fishing, camping and long rides to no where. Let's have some fun."

I get a chuckle every time I read this one. So simple.
And yet so simple.

August 14, 2006

Bachelor #17 "I don't claim to be the Dally Lama of love."

Could I date a man who misspells deity? I think not. All spelling errors being equal, can we talk?

First of all, I apologize to His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. According to Tibetan tradition, an authentic spiritual leader chooses to reincarnate to serve the people, not reappear in dating profiles unannounced and undefended.
This is definitely not a God Wink.

No one usually misspells Jesus or Pope or even Brad Pitt.....sigh....but I did receive a letter once from an Asian man who wanted to marry a "Bapteese" lady from the states. That was not a God Wink either, nor was it a wink I returned.

At this point, I'd settle for just a manifestation of someone devoted to spellchecker. An apparition perhaps.

Reincarnation is not such a bad idea in this case – as long as I get to inspect previous baggage – except that I’m not sure I want this particular karma returned to earth. Although, he does admit to being less than perfect (remember? He did start with an honest disclaimer of his Dallyan love qualifications). Hmm…since my persuasion is more hell fire and damnation and it’s not clear to me exactly how you go about making sure the person you THINK is the real thing is indeed the real thing once they do appear (DUH) – easy for His Holiness, apparently, he had signs and wonders - not so for humble Mimi - I do seem to be having a rough time even striking up a spark, much less rekindling a cosmic flame.
Baptist karma is not paying off.

Maybe it’s time to reinvent my destiny. I’m not a Buddhist but once went shopping with a cousin of a step-cousin’s father who believed he was Marilyn Monroe in a former life.
 Does that count?

Let's see.......whom shall I pick?
........Think literary, literary, intelligence…..I’ve got it!
Walt Whitman.
No, somehow that seems all wrong.
Jonathan Edwards? No….Too controlling. But he was a fiery soul for sure.
Hmm…… Rhett Butler (oh, he wasn't real). No problem. He'll fit right in.

I’m stumped. I give up. I'm drowning in a sea of wannabe prophets who kiss their pets and want to parade me as tattoo candy (#9); men with dental problems and children who sleep in the woods, bald men with frisky combs (#6) outdoorsy rebels who tie their own flies!! (#2) and now, literary cowboys who don’t even know how to drop a name.

Duck. Flying grape approaching.

And why WOULD a man want to admit that he WASN'T the "Dally Lama" of love?? What a missed opportunity for greatness and so unlike a male. He could have at least reached into his cyber bag of tricks to promote his heavenly quest.
I'm always complaining to my girlfriends that men aren't "real" enough. Maybe I should stop praying for real and ask God to throw in a really good liar every now and then. Do you think I could reverse the karma somehow?
Reverse cyberology. It's worth a try.

I may need spiritual advice on this one, before I do something to throw the entire dating world off kilter. I need someone with an Ocean of Wisdom.
Do you think the Dalai Lama is busy this morning?

August 13, 2006

Bachelor #16 No Room in the Inn?

"I live out in the country with my 2 cats and a dog.
I have one adopted son who is grown and on his own."

I don't think you meant it quite that way....

August 12, 2006

Bachelor #15 "I still want magic but a party favor would sometimes work."

I can't make this up folks. That's what the man said.
This guy is a Freudian trip.
He's had one too many puffs on the birthday candle.
A man who measures "magic" with Pinata yardsticks and latex balloons. What was he thinking??!
Gotta hand it to him though, he is resourceful, even inspirational.
When all else fails and romance is hard to find, I'll remember this stirring testament to love and crash a Chuckie Cheese birthday party. The adult version would include BYOB (bring your own blindfold).......
Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey anyone?



August 11, 2006

Bachelor #14 "I like to kiss my dog."

Location: WalMart parking lot Anywhere, Anytime
Site: Yahowl International
Age: Old enough to know better

This is the guy you see hanging around the fruit stand in the grocery store hoping a cute girl walks by who happens to be an animal lover. Of course, he carries a picture of a perky-earred boxer in his wallet at all times . Just in case.


August 10, 2006

Bachelor #13 "Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder."

But wouldn't that make hindsight blurry?
(I could have used this advice before I found Bachelor #12) See below

Bachelor #12 "Got a comb?"

Follicularly challenged and snarling boldly for the camera (at unnerving close range) he explains,

 "Like the picture? I tried to post the worst one.
Did it scare you?"


August 6, 2006

Bachelor #7 "Life is just too cool to do alone."

I actually like this one.
Isn't that the point?

Bachelor #6 Is a full set of teeth that important? that you mention it, probably not!
You've certainly CAPtured my attention.

Location: UTAH
Age: 55
Dating Site:
Woman Seeking Man - preferably a dentist.