Bachelor Of The Day #801 ~ Silly Dance Man

"I'm looking for a nice, normal, cute and witty girl! Somebody that will love my humor and laugh at my jokes and silly dances. Seriously, what happened to the girl next door?"

She moved.

Bachelor Of The Day #796 ~ PaperBoy Strikes Again

"I was paper boy that deliver the new paper to the house and the paper was on the proch. Yes I did beak a few windows."

Bachelor Of The Day #791 ~ "Wen your ready for sumthing real let me no"

No, allow me.
No.

Bachelor Of The Day #778 ~ "A Tool For All Occasions"

You can say that again.

Bachelor #764 "I Am Not A Fowl Mouth Person"

I'm too chicken to read the rest.

Bachelor #151 "If You Are Going to Be a Bear Be a Grizzly"

That was his headline. The profile goes on to read,  
"I'm really tired of the bull."

Well, OK. If you're going to be a boar about it.

Bachelor #145 "How About a Picnic in the Cemetery?"

I'd have to be stoned first.

The Dating Profiles Comeback Challenge Winner - Round Six ~ Lyn Wins!

Thanks to all who participated. Round 6 was a riot!
I recently heard a comedian say...
"Humor is a relative concept" and he is right. What is funny to one is not necessarily funny to another. And at any given time my perception of what is funny could change - depending on my mood or simply how the prompt/question/cue reads the second time around. Nothing scientific here. I'm just after a laugh-out-loud moment. OK ! OK! Enough already...just tell us the winner, Mims.

Here are the questions and each individual contestant's answer. I have COLORED the ones that tickled my funny bone in each case.  The contestant with the most tickles this week is................. Here we go.....finally.

Drumroll please.

Lyn from Lyn's Last Minute Life is the declared winner. Read her funnies below! Congratulations to this funny gal! Click over to her site and give her a shout out!

#1 Looking For a Friend With Benefits

Heather: Hmm. Is that what it takes to get a dental plan these days?
Anyhow: Then go sign a membership with a bank. I'm sure they have loads of benefits.
Bud:  Looking for a moron without a clue. That's how I found you. (Bud - are you trying to make a rhyming rap song? It works. And it's funny.)Ike and Mamie: I didn’t know friends provided health insurance these days. I guess somebody does.
Lyn: Sounds like I will be needing my Health Insurance if I date you.
Lee: like health insurance, social security and senior citizen discount?

#2 Smart Like Forrest

Heather: No, no. It's "smart like rock", "fast like tree". 
Anyhow: Do you also run like him? I sure wouldn't want you to be able to catch up with me.
Bud:  Run, Forrest, Run. 
Ike and Mamie: Dumb like tree
Lyn: I think you ought to go running and think about that for awhile.
Lee: Dumb like a rock

#3 So for those of you still reading, I'll stop before this bores you

Heather: Please stop. 

Anyhow: Sorry, were you saying something?
Bud: Oops, too late. 
Ike and Mamie: Sorry. Too late. I’m already DEAD. 
Lyn: That's considerate.
Lee: Oops, too late.

#4 Are you tired of the Players, Liars and Cheats? You won't find that here

Heather: Awww. Players, Lia

rs, and Cheats are fun people.
Anyhow: And you're drop-dead gorgeous, have washboard abs and tall, dark and handsome too right?
Bud:  Coca-cola? No alcohol? Give me the sinners. Much more fun. 
Lyn: I gave up sody pop last year.
Lee: actually I was looking for trains, planes and automobiles...

#5 Nothing aggravates me more than women who put their "make-up" on before I even awake from bed in the morning

Heather: Nothing aggravates me more than a guy who sleeps until noon and then acts shocked that you've already rummaged through his sock drawer.
Anyhow: I was planning to go home with you. Guess that counts me out now does it? (Too funny)
Bud:  I’d be lying if I said I understand how this could possibly bother you. I’d also be lying if I said I’d think you’d find a date with this approach.
Ike and Mamie: Nothing aggravates me more than the men who sleep till “ noon.”
Lyn: Nothing aggravates me more than a Man who can't get his keister out of bed.
Lee: Nothing could aggravate me more than awake with you at all 

#6 Have You Hugged A Clown Today?

Heather: Yes, I'm on a steady hug-a-clown-a-day diet. 
Anyhow: No, and you're not going to be the first one this month either.
Bud:  No. I stop at a nose tweak.
Ike and Mamie: Have you goosed a mime today?
Ashley: Your mom's hugged a clown lately.
Lyn: Nothing scarier than a clown.

#7 Looking for Friends Maybe More

Heather: How many friends did you lose? Maybe they ran away? 
Anyhow: There, you found me. Now can you please get out of my way?
Bud:  You are setting the goal a bit high.
Ike and Mamie: I’m looking for punctuation.
Lyn: You can still find Friends in syndication most weekday evenings, sometimes more than one episode.

#8 If you want to be treated like a lady im your man.

Heather: I'm betting "If you want to be treated like a dog" didn't get any responses. 
Anyhow: Great! I'm 83 male, totally bald, have loads of chest hair and I love to feel like a lady while I'm in my pink bikini and G-string . (This response made me lose my breakfast.)
Bud:  I hate IM’s. Call me. E-mail me. Do not text message and do not IM.
Ike and Mamie: Were you in the same English class as the guy looking for friends maybe more?
Lyn: Should I use AIM or Yahoo IM?

#9 U and Me Goin Fishin In the Dark

Heather: How do you hook the worm?
Anyhow: Ok, just don't sue me if I gorge your eye out with my hook while casting.
Bud:  Fresh or salt water?
Ike and Mamie: Thanks! But I already have a date with the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.
Lyn: I just want to know, what are you fishing for?

#10 I Am Lost For Words

Heather: No, honey. You're just lost. 
Anyhow: So how many words will I need to spend to get you lost?
Bud:  I am not surprised. If I find any I will send them right over to you.
Ike and Mamie: Have you tried a dictionary?
Lyn: Let's keep it that way.
Lee: I am lost in DC...again.

Bachelor #143 "Miller lite is My Kryptonite"

"I am tired of the bar scene and really do not like clubs. however I do get pier pressured by my friends to attend such places at times."

I don't think we're a pair. Pier Pubs make me seasick.

And the Dating Profile Comeback Challenge winner is........

The undefeated champ - 
The Comeback King.
  I recently challenged my readers to spar with me and one another in a 'best comeback contest.' I promised the winner a post in their honor showcasing their answers. So here it is. Bud's answers were very funny and I hereby crown him the winner! Read all of the crazy headlines and Bud's answers below. Congratulations.

P.S. And another reason he deserves to be King......He sent in a Peace Globe. 

"I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced."
I guess you expect bad things to happen to you. You should.

"Someone to hold on too."
Threesomes are ssoooo 90’s.

"Lost on the road not taken"
Please stay lost."

Big men need love too."
Really. Let’s meet for a crate of Twinkies.

"Looking for a wifee."
How wovey, dovey.

"Back in play"
I don’t much care for theater. But good luck with it.

People who play together stay together."
I assume then you’ve never played."

Straight up no bull##it. Everything's new."
Everything’s new except the bulls##t. Anyone who writes that must be really good at it.

"I'm hopping to make new freinds."
Then it is good that I am a kangaroo."

Let's go fly a kite together."
Dude, you go fly a kite."

Me needum. You gotum?"
Tonto, go home. The masked man is lonely.

"Let's go get a great tan all over."
Who brings the toothpicks to spread the toes?

"Rome wasn't built in a day."
It only took 6 days for the earth. It took 15 minutes for Rome.

"Crash into me."
Why, do you have really good insurance?

"Forest needs Jenny."
Jungle needs Jane.

"Tired of the bar seen."
Take the path less chosen and the bar less seen.


”If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose”
There are too many good cow comedians already. Take a cow to the show. Then get back to anyone but me.

Congratulations to the winner!

Bachelor #119 Headlines You Won't Believe! ~ The Original Dating Profiles Challenge

Most are stand alone funny. Some need a little assistance. All are bizarre. Feel free to speculate.
Spelling errors not my own.
Having said that, I hope I don't misspell something.

I thought it would be interesting to post a

Comeback Challenge

If I haven't already done so (or if you can top me!) write a comedic response to any or all of these headlines. Or just sit back and enjoy what others contribute! I will write a separate post with those that tickle my funny bone and make sure you get the credit (with a link back to your site).
Have fun with these headlines - 


"I've fallen and I can get up."

"I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced."

"Someone to hold on too."

"Lost on the road not taken" (Maybe he can help the Sea Captain/ Bachelor #118)

"Big men need love too."

"Looking for a wifee."

"Back in play"

People who play together stay together."

"Straight up no bull##it. Everything's new."
(New bull, too???)

"I'm hopping to make new freinds."

"Let's go fly a kite together."

"Me needum. You gotum?"

"Let's go get a great tan all over."
(I don't think he means all over Europe.")

"Rome wasn't built in a day."

"Crash into me."

"Forest needs Jenny."

"Tired of the bar seen."

And lastly.....I can't bear to think about it much less write about it.

"If you make a cow laugh, would milk come out its nose?"


Oh dear. You can't make this up.

Bachelor #118 "Man at Sea Seeks Mermaid to Catch"

OK. I'll bite.

The first line reads (written, mind you, to lure and impress all living-breathing mermaids)....

"I seen your profile. How did you ever think of all that to say on the write up?"

Oh, brother.

Geographically challenged and adrift in his home state of Missouri.
Man At Sea lives in Kansas City. Have you noticed an ocean in the midwest lately?
I think he might have a problem floating his boat.
He's all over the map. Literally.

The guy's just all washed up. (OK. I'll stop with the silly puns.)

Plays not 1, not 2, not 3...but FOUR stringed instruments - none of which belong in an orchestra. My favorite line from this ad? "People tend to look better when they smile. I try to smile a lot."

And then the line that explains why this artsy sea captain is lost in the Kansas City Ocean.
"Life has taken a tole on me."

Bachelor #117 Cloning Not Advisable

Let me introduce you to.........

"The One and Only" from Midland, Texas.

"The raisin that I say I'm THE ONE AND ONLY is becase I'm the last of a dieing bread."

Age: 57

Occupation: Wikipedia editor (you know, that site where they make up modern day words and such)

Education: School of the Sacred Living Loaf

Looking for: Little Debbie

Hoping for: Love when he yeast expects it

May he rest end pieces.

Bachelor #112 He's so confused.

So am I.

If a reason ever existed to hold serious company with a migraine it's from reading this headline.
 Just email. I'll gladly share my medication. He writes,

"All these heads and games what a waist."

Remind me never to play OPERATION with this guy. CLUE maybe. I can see it now. "Oh, I've got it! It was Colonel Mustard in the Pancreas with Miss Scarlett."

"No, dear. But you could use a lobotomy in the Library. Let me see what I can do."

And he hasn't even seen my waist!

Bachelor #107 The Immaculate Correction

Just a little pun there, folks. You'll soon see why.

Age 33.
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Typical long list of outdoor guy activities. Proclaims his love for mountains and beach. Degree in cuddling. Mentions his mama. Twice. Yada yada yada.
Ho hum. ...
I was just about to click away when I read this:

".......and would love to meet a young lady with child to be there for her and the kids in good times and bad."

Rewind. Read that again.
YEP. That's what it said.

I thought it was just another random act of sentence slaughter until I noticed his exclamatory caption which said,

"God rocks!"
This truly enhances the meaning of the term 'soulmate.'

Bachelor #106 "Surfer looking for a nice wave."

I hear they're having a rip-roaring 2-for-1 sale down at the Cut 'n Curl.