Sometimes inspiration springs from the strangest places. As it just did for me. Before I tell you my deep dark secret I should preface the impending scandal you're about to read with a little history. You should know that I've been - sadly - on the rebound. Royally dumped. Yes, it's true.
I'm in love with the paperclip guy. (No, not the man from Canada who bought a house with a paperclip. He was only impersonating the real thing.). You know, that cute little animated helpful stud that pops up in your Microsoft Word document? Well, to make short story long....I was writing a story one day minding my own business and he just pops into view, unannounced. Quite frankly, I was irritated.
"What would you like to do?" he asked.
"Can't you see I'm writing a story? Now leave me alone!"
He kept batting at me with those bug-eyed baby blues. It was pretty sexy. Hmmm.....I had to think carefully. Gee. I don't usually get this much attention when I'm conjugating verbs and such.
So I typed...Hello......"
I've never seen a guy move that fast. Frantically researching and jumping up and down with a yellow light bulb he replied (nearly hurting himself batting those cute little paperclip eyes)..
"I don't know what you mean. Please rephrase your question."
OK, I'll rephrase.
"Hello there." I ventured.
Same response. "I don't know what you mean. Please rephrase the question."
A guy could learn a lot from Clippy.
"Hello there, Mr. Stud," I typed,
holding my breath and scrambling for my makeup pouch.
By now he's feeling the chemistry and obviously playing hard to get. This guy never quits. I decided to reset his tips. That should help.
After a couple of wild spins he totally discombobulates himself, completely fell apart, then put himself together again faster than Humpty Dumpty. I was smitten.
We fell in love that very day. Right there in the Microsoft window.
"What would you like to do?"
Refreshing my lipstick I typed " How do you do?"
Nothing.
"How do you say hello to a stud like yourself?"
Nothing.
Sigh.
Such conversation.
Such depth.
Such humility.
Have you seen that sleek paperclip move he does with the lower part of his clip? AMAZING.
And we'd still be together today if I hadn't had a sudden case of writer's blog (er...block) and neglected my little dancing man.
He dumped me.
I guess I just wasn't his type.
I'm sure you're wondering what this has to do with Bachelor #54. Remember him? He's looking for a girlfriend with cable TV.
As usual, I posted the story and forgot to use spellchecker first. When I went back later to do it, the strangest thing happened.
If you'll recall, B54 is a self-proclaimed redneck who saw the light while listening to Jeff Foxworthy and is in lust with his remote control. He likes shooting pool, playing darts and riding little boy toys in the dirt. I had so hoped his pool included a jacuzzi but no such luck. I went on my merry way to the medicine cabinet and started to shut down until the spell check horror ruined my sleep.
Checking......checking for spelling.......it's spinning....
The first wrong word that pops up is tv.
What's wrong with tv??!
I look in the "Replace With" box and see TV.
Why, of course.
Everybody knows that tv should be replaced with tv.
Let's move on, shall we?
he
He?! I misspelled he??
Oh......should be capital H. Ignore. Click.
Then, with the memory of my darling little P.C. pookie still in my fuzzy brain, I read the word jackass.
I am NOT kidding you.
I've been sabotaged.
Who knew there was an underground love triangle in cyberspace? Lurking just beneath my keyboard all the while - and probably yours too! - the news of our breakup had spread through the ranks of Spellcheckers near and far. My little clippy had broken the code and come to claim his girl.
But I have a confession to make.
Another one.
Clip wasn't even on my radar screen at the moment.
I was intrigued with the audacity of Mr. Spell Himself.(sorry Clip) I always go for those literary types.
Knock. Knock.
"You want me to replace the sacred capitalized H with jackass??!
Hey! Anybody in there??
Don't you know it's Sunday? You're not supposed to cuss on Sunday. I'm running a family friendly zone here wiseguy, now watch it!"
The nerve.
Clip might have been obstinate but he was never rude.
Well, there was only one thing to do.
Time to check again.
My choices were
REPLACE. REPLACE WITH. IGNORE. IGNORE ALL. LEARN. FINISH.
The first word that pops up in the Replace With box is........as God as my witness......REMATCH. (suggestion for remotes)
So you wanna play dirty, eh? I should have known that while I was pining away he was loading his arsenal with urban words from Wikipedia. I was soon to discover who the real man was.
And what a match.
Pookie, he spelled with a snarl, should be replaced with bookie.
You reprobate! Look that word up and smoke it spellboy. Anybody who would cuss on Sunday has to be a criminal.
Dumpty.
We suggest you replace it with dumped.
You really know how to hurt a girl, don't ya.
The next word chosen by the evil Spell Checker to check was simply paperclip. Are you ready for this?
I can't look.
There were no suggestions.
There he was. Just sitting smugly in the word box not saying a word. As usual, he made a bold statement.
"I do not want to be replaced."
Sigh.
Blush.
WOW.
My hero.
I've been wrong all along. I knew there was a man for me on the internet. It's just like my grandma always said. There's more than one clip in the queue...or something like that. Ot was it You can't see the hedges for the clippers?? Well....I'll think of it later. Right now, I'm planning a wee dinner for two.
BUZZ! BUZZ!
Go away. Can't you see I'm trying to write a story here?
There's been a mistake, mademoiselle. (You can say that again)
Our humble apologies. We did not mean to insert the profane expression "jackass" after all. Some kind of computer glitch we're guessing. One never knows how these things happen. Probably a worm. A virus maybe. We, here at Microsoft, sincerely hope we haven't ruined your Sunday. Have a nice day, ma'am........"
"But, wait! What about my pookie? What have you done with him? Where did he go? He didn't mean to infiltrate your old speller. He was just giving Mr. Spell -the brazen hunk that he is - a run for his vocabulary. ".......!"
Poor Pookie.
"And one more thing, Miss Mimi. The word that we originally wanted to replace was jacuzzi, not he. Just in case you're interested, our replacement word should have been Jacques.
Good day, ma'am."
Yea, right. Whatever. I'll never get to see my clipman again. I wasn't REALLY interested in SpellMan and his profanities. He's not my type at all. I just miss my..........my.....
Did he say Jacques?
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