2nd Place: Uncle Artemus - a newbie with a great sense of humor -from Channeling Uncle Artemus
3rd Place was tied between.....read on and find out!
Another great competition with twelve worthy opponents. Before I announce the winner, let me thank you for participating and invite you to come back again. Feel free to advertise on your own blogs and invite other blog buddies for another round of insanity next week. Here's how it works. If you tickle my funny bone, you get points.
Isn't that sophisticated?
A special welcome to these new contestants. They are...
Empress Bee of the High Sea (aka muffin53)
Channeling Uncle Artemus from the Midwest
from Lance of Solitary Views
Good luck! Let's get right to it.
1. I would like to find a woman that makes me fell like a man.
Bond: I can fell a tree and I can fell myself, but I can not fell a man.
SGT DUB: Why? What were you trying before?
Budweiser: Or makes me feel like me trip like a boy. Either one.
Frank: Men usually fall 'head-over-heels' for me, but in your case 'ass-over-tea-kettle-upon-exit' will do.
Lance: Ever since the accident, and surgery "falling" is not the same! Any one for spaghetti?
Uncle Artemus: What can I say, I'm a pushover.
Linda: I would like to find a man who isn't as dumb as a stump.
Epiphany: Hold still, and I will kick you in the knee.
Karen: Come meet my hockey team – any of us could fell you.
Ian: Obviously he’s fallen in love before. On his face.
Lyn: I can do that, I'll just hit you in the knee with my sledgehammer.
Empress Bee: Wait right here, I’ll get the axe, it’s hanging in the back window of my F-150. And honey, while you’re at it would you scratch right here? Thanks...........ahhhhh. I just love a man that makes me felt like a woman!
Budweiser: What scares me here is I think English might be his first language.
Frank: Thank God for Bablefish's 'Drivel to English' translator. Now that it's deciphered your gobblety-gook, honestly, you're not worth having.Lance: Like, you know what I mean, right? If you like me and I like, like you who cares if I'm wrong and I like you brother, maybe you wont think you like me, if you ugly I don't think I could like you, but I think that means I'm right, or wrong, hehe, so maybe its like, OK! send Me an email my e-mail is mailto:email@example.com
Uncle Artemus: We now return to our regularly scheduled schizophrenia.
Linda: Sounds like you're having some trouble making up your mind so why don't I make it up for you? Good-bye!
Epiphany: Um. You're making my head hurt.
Karen: 55 innocent words died because of you.Ian: I read this and my brain crashed.
Lyn: I just don't know how to respond to this, You might like what I have to say and you might not.
Empress Bee: That’s exactly what I was going to say! It’s like we’re sole mates.... Hey, what’s that on the bottom of you shoe? Ewwww.......
SGT DUB: Short people got nobody Budweiser: He intended us to stay at a Holiday Inn.
Frank: See, He doesn't always work in mysterious ways, my prayers were answered
Lance: I need a partner that really understands that, we were all accidents, he hate's us following him! He just wants us to leave him alone! so who cares if you sin? I love to drink kool-aid! Join me?
Uncle Artemus: But God Did Intend For Us To Have Away!
Linda: God also didn't intend for us to be stupid but that apparently hasn't stopped you.Epiphany: Can't argue with that because I have no idea what that means.
Karen: But It Felt So Good At The Time!
Ian: But We Showed Up Anyway With Our Capital Letters And Said Ha Ha!
Lyn: He did however intend for you to be alone.Empress Bee: He didn’t? I thought I was along once but I got over it after I hacked up a hairball. Oh, and thanks for caring!
4. I am a hard worker and very honest a one women man.
Bond: Do you work hard at being a one woman man or do you work hard to be honest?
SGT DUB: Isn't that only legal in Utah?Budweiser: VERY honest? Is that like VERY perfect? And I wouldn't share that she male thing. Very creepyFrank: Sorry mister hard worker, I'm one woman that's not into the group thing.
Lance: What more do you want ladies? I am sick and tired of your expectations of me and my fellow men. I just want to be able to come home after work, drink beer in my underwear and burp loudly! Supper is at seven. (Mims says ewwwww..........)Uncle Artemus: Also I am smarter and mothers is love as me, sometimes.
Linda: Why on earth would Hugh Hefner have to be posting a singles ad??
Epiphany: How many women was that again?
Karen: I am a smart woman and, very honestly, you are not the man for me.
Ian: By “one women” he means “one species.” I hope.
Lyn: I'm always puzzled by "I'm a one woman man statement". Makes me wonder where your one woman went to, since your looking for another. Is thats whats is that hole in the backyard?
Empress Bee: You are? Well then let me show you where the tools are and my list. And thanks!
5. Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose
Bond: OOOOO You chose to be in the Meme Carnival? Which posting is yours?
SGT DUB: Se la what?
Budweiser: Odi mach, baddi koo.
Frank: I'll order the Lobster, if it's the same thing to you!
Lance: Je ne comprends pas vraiment ce qui continue dans le monde, je suis aller juste prendre un petit somme.
Uncle Artemus: Wait... just give me a second to check my Gibberish to English Handbook.
Linda: Plus I think I'll be going now.
Epiphany: No. The more things change, the more they change. Duh.
Karen: La langue romane n'est pas la même chose que romantique... particulièrement pas en disant quelque chose de mondain. [Romance language is not the same thing as romantic...especially not when saying something mundane.
(Mims is impressed)Ian: IAN hauls off and smacks the writer, who surrenders immediately because he’s French.
Lyn: kee lohsk hee yoh hah (translated from Cherokee: Are you looking for someone?)
Empress Bee: Ferme la busch and verdy too! C’est this honey, it’s good for you. (I think)
SGT DUB: Start driving, I'll find someone to cuttle (That was cold, Sarge)Budweiser: Upon further review, just take the drive.Frank: No, I'm not going to 'park' with you, you just sound a little too fishy.
Lance: Oh where oh where could my baby be? The lord took her away from me, she's gone to heaven so I got to be good
Uncle Artemus: I can Cuttle and Drive all night long, baby!
Linda: I prefer to walk and I'm allergic to shellfish. (Note: you have to know what a cuttle is to actually get this one!)
Epiphany: Sounds dangerous. You do that while driving?
Karen: Like to drive cattle? Love cuttle fish? I’m having trouble deciding whether to wear chaps or hip-waders for our date.
Ian: And really, what more could any woman want in a relationship beyond a man who’ll fold cloth face to face after finishing it? (go on, look it up) (Mims: HA!)Lyn: I think you can get a ticket for driving while cuttling.
Empress Bee: Ooh you drive me wild with all that manly talk! Wanna’ nook (Bee! You're so silly......)
7. Looking for someone that can show there real self without realizing it.
Bond: There. Did you realize it? Wait I can do it again. There.SGT DUB: I just love hide and seek
Budweiser: Looking for someone that can show there real self without realizing it. An honest idiot. Great. Waiter, check!
Uncle Artemus: Also someone who has good cents without using it
Linda: Don't they have a registry or list for people like you down at the local police station?Epiphany: Oops. There goes my Real Self. Did you see? She went that way! I better gocatch her...Karen: I prefer to know when I’m naked – tends to be more fun if I realize it…
Ian: As in, “I see London , I see France …”?
Lyn: My real self is there, and there, and there
Empress Bee: Well I usually do not realize it when I show my real seft, know what I mean? Me neither. See you in an hour.
8. I have traveled alot around the US had afew realasionships but still looking for the write one.A ladie whos faithfull caring with a good sence of hummer as I have.
Bond: Well traveled, has real instead of made-up relationships, trying to be an author, into Irish lads who are faithful and enjoy séances in large vehicles. You ARE a catch! Wait.. # 6 likes Cuttlefish, maybe you two should hook up.
SGT DUB:Not sure, but I think Dr. Joyce Brothers is married already
Budweiser: Not a lot of guys would ask for a good hummer on a dating site. And one who is an author as well. But if you need a laddie think collie.
Frank: Dear Traveled Alot, 'Ladie' doesn't have a 'sence' of hummer, 'Ladie' drives a Focus. Focus is what you should have done in grammar school.Signed No Chance of 'Realasionship' here!
Lance: I've encluded my picture for your pleaseure, thanks to the hillbilly cam 9000 on solitarity views, I hope we can enjoy our sence of hummers together!Uncle Artemus: I really like good faithful hummer. If you owne a first grad Spelling Primer is also a plus benefite
Linda: From the looks of it, you need a proofreader not a date and I only hum if I don't know the words.
Epiphany: Ok, let me get this straight - you're traveling around writing a novel lookingfor someone who hums?
Karen: Oh, a foreign puppy. Poor dear!
Ian: All guys ever really want is a lady with a good sense of hummer.
Lyn: You don't ask for much do you. Faithful, Caring, drives a hummer and overlooks atrocious spelling. Good luck with that.
Empress Bee: I always wanted a hummer too! It’s a realasionship made in the dealership! (Bee...
Bond: I bite my nails by habit but would rather be anywhere than with you.
SGT DUB: I've always dreamed of a sailing nun who plumbs
Budweiser: I am a licensed driver by law but I'd rather not read more about you.
Frank: Sounds like a 'shitty' habit to me, too bad, I'm a land-lubber.
Lance: I sincerely enjoy fishing, I guess my profession aids my passion, you see there is nothing like casting a line blind into the depths of mercy water, sometimes you just get lucky!
Uncle Artemus: I got into the habit of plumbing back in high school, hanging out with the cool kids in the empty lot next to the Industrial Arts Building, sweating copper pipe fittings and practicing garbage disposal installation. If only I had sailed instead, but no, I had to plumb.
Linda: What a great idea, why don't you sail on outta here?
Epiphany: Oh my goodness! You're a plumber?! What a disgusting habit! Please go sailing.
Karen: I’ve heard it only takes 20 days for a human to change a habit - look me up next month and let me know how it’s going for you.
Ian: He dresses like a nun? Kinky…
Lyn: If my sailboat springs a leak I will call the habitual plumber.
Empress Bee: Personally I don’t have any habits but I am plumb happy to shop sales! (Bee...you crack me up sometimes)
10. Someone who realizes that the grass is always half full when you are pouring into it and only half empty when you are drinking it.
Bond: I normally fill the bowls to my bongs as full as they can get and never ever drink the bong water, sorry.
SGT DUB: I agree, the glass is always greener on the other side of the bar.
Frank: Look at the bar guide, Sir. There's no such thing as a Marijuana-tini.
Lance: "Man! Hay would you pass the pipe man, why
I have is it half empty? You drinking my pipe man?" fill it up dude!
Uncle Artemus: Ahh yes. And the glass is always greener when you're smashing the bottle over an idiots head. (Uncle: Mims says Stop The Violence)
Linda: Hmmm, sounds more like you've been smoking it!
Epiphany: Wha? The grass is doing what? You really need to lay off that Wacky Weed.
Karen: Are you looking for the optometrist or the pessimist?
Ian: Dude, don’t drink the bong water. Seriously. It makes you stupid.
Empress Bee: Honey that’s exactly what I was thinking! Now would you please get me a refill? And sweetie, while you’re up the mower is in the garage. Thanks!