November 30, 2006

Bachelor #136 Cuddling 101

Can we call time-out for cuddling?
I never thought I'd say that.
I can't believe I said that.

If I read one more profile that touts the benefits of movie-watching-cuddling-on-the-couch-with-my-special-someone.....I'm going to scream.

I just need to get this off my chest. Do you mind?
If I want a teddy bear I'll go to the zoo.
We all know you don't want to cuddle.
Women know this.
No guy wants to cuddle.

Michael Buble has remade a vintage Paul Anka tune called "Put Your Head on My Shoulder." You've heard it, I'm sure.
That was cuddling.
No movies.
No popcorn.
No googly-eyed-puppy-dog-looks.(well, maybe one or two)
Remote controls? I think not.
Action thrillers were not on the agenda.
Nothing in these lyrics about soundtracks and steamy love scenes.

We didn't need a couch either.

"Special" was NOT an endearing term, nor was cuddling.
Kissing was a backseat sport.

The only reason girls needed a shoulder was to take a break from making-out. Let's be honest here.
You don't want to cuddle.
You want to make-out that leads to staying in.

Newsflash! Sometimes, so do we.

Things have not changed. This is not a man-woman-Mars-Venus epiphany. I just want to change the vernacular or at least ignore the verbage I'm reading.

And why is cuddling always coupled with TV?
Do you ever hear a guy say, "Babe, let's make a cuddle date on the couch. Just you and me. Let's light some candles and plan a night of serious smooching." ??


Guys want movies as background noise to drown out the purring questions our soft little cuddly brains come up with and provide escape opportunities in case we actually voice them. Once we're wrapped up in a spy movie or a nice torture scene complete with sound effects (YUK) we can't help ourselves.
It brings out the woman in us.
"Damn! I missed that part! Honey, do you mind? I'll return that kiss in just a minute....What did you say?!...You want to know what I'm thinking? Uh.....I'm thinking if I tell her I want more popcorn she'll sweetly get up to fetch some and forget she asked me that question.

I know.
That's so retro.

Cuddling sounds soft and teddy-bearish. Sweet and angelic. Clean-shaven. Plotted. Predictable.

Positively boring.

Cuddling is something you do accidentally in the middle of the night when your feet are cold. (Pay ATTENTION all you koala kids)
It is not a scheduled activity.

Sometimes I just want a five-o'clock shadow with a rough edge who knows how to make-out.
I don't care about your cuddle!

But Mimi! What's the difference in cuddling and making out?
If you have to ask that question then we don't belong on the same sofa. calls cuddling "affectionate play" - not affectionate play, rewind, fast forward and pause.
Also "gentle foreplay" - OK. I'll give you that one. Apparently some of you have been reading the dictionary.

I googled "cuddling."

Did you know there are Cuddle Parties?
I kid you not.
Described as " A boundary-appropriate workshop and social event for exploring touch, affection and communication! Pajama-clad people discuss cuddle boundaries and strangers spoon: a safe place to be "energetically open." Oh please.
(I don't think this is what John Lennon had in mind.)
Guys! Check it out. Could save you a lot of frustration and you might actually get to watch the movie for a change when you get home.

Then I found Romanceopedia (!) which has an entire article and links devoted to the cuddling-on-the-couch-watching-a-movie question.
Who knew?

And who cares.

Google also led me to the "s-e-x dictionary" which gives the worst definition of cuddling I've ever read. Most everything else is way off track too. I'm not even sure they know what s-e-x means (Does it really matter if you spell it, Mimi??! Can one really hide from trash email?!)

They say "Cuddling is about tenderness, intimacy and belonging, while sex is about passion and sexual excitement." Obviously, men have yet to discover this website or we would see cuddling immediately annihilated from all profiles. A site which also lends guidance to the fine art of kissing...."When you kiss someone you caress the lips of your lover with your own lips. Some find this the most intimate erotic act. So it’s no surprise most prostitutes don’t kiss a client on the lips."

Does that make SENSE to you??! Or have they just watched too many Julia Roberts movies?

Couples lost the fine art of smooching (now there's a word) when Cyndi Lauper and Prince bounced into our boom boxes. Who could smack lips to Purple Rain? (I actually like Prince but I don't wanna kiss him.) His music is a few hundred base moves beyond Bobby Vincent; who, by the way, was a snooze-alarm singer but nobody cared while in the backseat make-out zone.
I know I'm dating myself (don't go there all you comedy comeback kids!)...that's truer statement than I care to think about, actually, but honestly, read these elaborate misspelled explanations given by smooch-starved bachelors. I went straight to the source. Read these bachelors' comments on the subject of cuddling.

Behold my bewilderment.

"I AM VERY SLOW AND KIND OF DUMB, I like to kiss and huge and fish and camp and I believe that ever girl should be kissed often and huged to and I belive that men should be kissed but only by girls cause I am not gay"....

And now from a straight guy.
"I am a very affectionate passionated man. I love a slow passionated good kiss. No bad kissers."

Somebody shoot me.

(Thanks for listening to my silliness. It was fun. Somebody had to say it.)


Lizza said...

Hahaha! What a great post this is! Cuddling/making out on the couch while watching a movie? Hmmm.

"Five-o'clock shadow with a rough edge"...damn, that sounds so sexy.

And I'm staying away from any man who wants to "huge" me.

Mimi Lenox said...

Checking out the comment functionality....HUGE INTERNET DISASTER last night.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

He's huged? How huge?

WanderingGirl said...

Could you post this on the front page of all major (and not so major) newspapers? On behalf of all women who don't like to be huged, thanks!

Kiyotoe said...

Hope you don't mind if i print this post, frame it and hang it over the t.v. in my "man" room (where all the t.v. and movie watching takes place).

But if i go missing from the blogosphere, it's your fault.